I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
