Soap is not a condiment
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
