i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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