two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
MIDGETS
????
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
