i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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