my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
