anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
