Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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