made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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