if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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