Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
