i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
