I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
