How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
