I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
