I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
how do you play pong handcuffed?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm sobbing to NWA
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
