what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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