Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
