You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i love accidental penises.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
