You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Let's paint friendship bongs
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
