I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
