I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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