i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
