Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
