Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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