I'm going to jail i love you
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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