I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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