I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Dignity is for republicans.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
