My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
