Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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