someone threw a dead crab at me
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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