am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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