My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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