I wish life had little blips of pornography
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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