just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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