He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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