Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
