So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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