I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
