3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I am one with the molecules
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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