I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
