I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
