it wasn't lemon gatorade
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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