pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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