WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Swine flu. Run for my life!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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