The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
