He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
