My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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