Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
