I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My feet surprised me
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
