her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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